don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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