Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Damn victory sex feels great
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize