I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
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Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
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How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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