i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
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Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
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you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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