so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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