So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
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My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
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I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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