Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
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