At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
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Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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