I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
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I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
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Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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