Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
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So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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