Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
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there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
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I have grass duct taped all over my body
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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