all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
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Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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