party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
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There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
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It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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