I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
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Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
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Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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