Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
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If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
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I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I can't turn off my feet"
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize