Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
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I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
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do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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