this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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