if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
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you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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