I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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