Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
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I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Sober January is a disaster.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
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We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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