Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize