smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize