Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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