I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize