There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
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He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
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I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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