no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
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Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
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No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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