I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
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His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
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You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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