and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
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i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
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I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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