I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
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Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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