I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
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So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
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You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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