Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Who wears a wallet chain?!
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
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