You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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