I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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