its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
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I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
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Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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