Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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