i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
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still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
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She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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