WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
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I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
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This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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