i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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