You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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