He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
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I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
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Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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