You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize