Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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