I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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