He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
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And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
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the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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