i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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