he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
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i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
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Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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