You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
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He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
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I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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