You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
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You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
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I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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