all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
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It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
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I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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