The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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